ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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