What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR