This is not my ceiling
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
