I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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