somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
