He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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