We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
