this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
FUCK WHALES
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
