i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My butt remains clenched, sir.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
