This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I forget how to act sober
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
