How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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