respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
