Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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