took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Mom said you looked used
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
im on a boat
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