The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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