My sheets look like a crime scene.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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