Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we made out on top of his cat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found a bag of teeth...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
