Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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