you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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