just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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