having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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