broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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