just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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