He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
