thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
FUCK WHALES
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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