everyone is single if you try hard enough
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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