I think I won the penis lottery.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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