Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
