There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
