I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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