I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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