Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
