My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can text with my tongue
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
