I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
