I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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