She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
