my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
