sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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