piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
