literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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