I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
