people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
