dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
