I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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