I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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