These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
