she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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