I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
