so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
