Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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