Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
