I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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