Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
