Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
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