you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I forget how to act sober
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