John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
