On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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